Creepy is, as creepy does...

Well you don't need to like Letterman, or even watch his show to know that he has been in the news recently. Unfortunately for him, it has not been because his late night gig has crushed the competition. No, David Letterman has joined the ranks of so many powerful men before him in the sordid tradition of having an affair. And in this case, reportedly many affairs. He announced these indiscretions publicly during a live taping of his show to the disbelief of a bewildered audience.

"This morning, I did something I've never done in my life," Letterman told viewers. "I had to go downtown and testify before a grand jury.

"This whole thing has been quite scary," he said. "I had to tell them how I was disturbed by this. I was scared for my family. I felt menaced by this man."

Then, Letterman added, "I had to tell them all the creepy things I had done." The audience roared with laughter.

"Now why is that funny?" Letterman asked.

"Now of course we get to what was it was - we get to all the creepy stuff," Letterman said, taking a more serious tone.

"I have had sex with women who work for me on this show."

And just why did Letterman disclose this information so forthright and publicly? Because he revealed that he was being blackmailed by CBS producer Robert Halderman. Now, I am in no way condoning Letterman's behavior, but I think the real question begs to ask, just who is more "creepy" given the circumstances? Does Halderman who is accused of trying to extort $2 million from Letterman to keep this quiet really believe that his behavior was any better?

Given the circumstances, perhaps the old saying, "two wrongs don't make a right" should have come into play.

News...

Hi Everyone -

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm now an official blogger (Skirt!setter) over at http://www.skirt.com/. Hope to catch up with you there!

You can also check out my published stories at http://www.more.com/. Happy Reading! :)

A Shoe by Any Other Name

Every so often (actually more times than not), I wake up at 4AM. Now for me, this is too early to begin my day, so I lie in my bed staring up at the ceiling and my over active brain takes over. This morning I silently mused about writing a letter to Oprah Winfrey. Not for any particular reason, maybe just the chance she would actually read it, get an “Aha” moment and realize she had just found the next great writer. So in my head I began to compose the letter. Dear Oprah…no, no, too familiar. Dear Ms. Winfrey, you are my biggest fan, er, I mean I am YOUR biggest fan. Oh boy, this is where I remember that in my past I was afflicted with starstruckitis. The symptoms of starstruckitis can cause a person to act uncharacteristically silly, exhibiting physical symptoms such as the temporary loss of speech, persistent giggling, and even fainting (such as experienced by fans of both Elvis and the Beatles).

It all started in my 20’s when a friend and I were invited to the filming of a Miami Vice episode. Just a normal day strolling around downtown Miami with the exception of a TV cast and crew blocking off a section of town. Then it happened, I had an out-of-body experience. As we peered under the stars’ trailer from one side to the other, I saw Don Johnson’s sockless, loafer ensconced feet descend down the steps and hit the pavement. An unknown force, unlike anything I had ever experienced gripped me. I let out a squeal, an unearthly sound that was followed by a fit of laughter verging on maniacal. My poor friend could only stand there dumbfounded, staring at me with her mouth agape. “Don Johnson, Don Johnson,” I chanted over and over. It was like I suddenly needed an exorcism.

Luckily, my friend did not abandon me out of utter embarrassment, and she shook me by the shoulders until I snapped out of it. “What happened?” I asked feebly. “You thought you saw Don Johnson’s shoes” she replied. “His shoes? Huh, wait. What do you mean thought?” “Well, it’s debatable, but it may have been his stunt double.” “What?” I said indignantly. “A stunt double?” “What a rip-off!” My friend only laughed and said I should just be glad that I didn’t get us kicked off the set. "Hmmm," I murmured, squinting through my sunglasses. “Alien abduction,” I announced. “What?” asked my friend. “Alien abduction. That’s what must have happened.” “Sure, you stick with that” she chuckled.

I believe my friend was just teasing me, and that it was indeed Don Johnson. I mean wasn’t it humiliating enough that I had a, um…let’s say overly exuberant outburst over just seeing Don Johnson’s feet, then to only have it be his double’s? Thankfully that was the first and last time I ever displayed such behavior, and I hear that once you have a case of starstruckitis you build up immunity. However I remain vigilant because I know if I am ever in the same room as Hugh Jackman, all bets are off!

Now back to that letter...

Where Have All the Shorts Gone?

The other day the zipper broke on a pair of my shorts. I am by no means any measure of a seamstress (one thing my mom and I do have in common), so I headed to the store to purchase a new pair. First I hit Old Navy, which I like to call my Old Standby because I've bought shorts there before, they're true to size and I never have to spend time trying them on. Unfortunately there were no shorts anywhere to be found. Next Target - no shorts. Then on to Kohl's, Marshalls, Ross and Belks. No shorts!!! Hello, I live in the south, it's mid-August, sunny and hot with temperatures averaging high 80's to low 90's. In other words...shorts weather! Where have all the shorts gone?

Now if I want to pick out a pair of corduroy pants or a nice turtleneck sweater there are plenty of choices. But, call me crazy I don't want to dress like "Nanook of the North" in the middle of the sweltering days of summer. "Where are the shorts?" I asked one of the store clerks. "Not here," she replied. "They're out of season." "Out of season," I stammered. "But it's still summer!" The clerk only responded with a disinterested shrug and a withering look that silently conveyed that obviously I was completely unsavvy when it came to the world of fashion.

I know the first day back to school seems to arrive earlier and earlier but do the seasons arrive earlier now too? Is this an affect of global warming? Now that the new school year is underway, I'm sure all the "Back-to-School" supplies are already being replaced with Halloween items. And probably in late October, as I head in to pick up an extra bag of trick-or-treat candy I'll hear Christmas music playing overhead. Matter of fact, if I recall correctly, I think last year the stores did completely bypass Thanksgiving altogether. Guess there's not much revenue to be had in honeycomb paper turkeys.

Well, all I have to say is that I just hope all the little ghosts and goblins who stop by my house on Halloween enjoy the chocolate Santas.

Holy Mother of Matrimony

Listen up ladies, you know who you are! The ones with the sparkly rock on your finger (and those of you dreaming of one). Here is the Girlfriends Guide to Marriage. I am here to share a few secrets that your family in the throes of congratulatory euphoria may not have bestowed upon you yet.

First, remember you are going to have to treat those marriage vows like the verbal contract that they are. And, as with any contract, there is always the fine print. I am specifically referring to the "for better or worse" clause. Oh yes, say it with me...for better or worse (don't think if you write your own vows that you are released from this clause. It is still implied.). Also, don't be fooled by the "or" because this almost implies that you have a choice in the matter. You don't. I think it would be more accurate to say "for better AND worse." After all, it is "in sickness and health, right?

The "for better" part, well here it is:

Better - adj. Comparative of good. 1. Greater in excellence or higher in quality. 2. More useful, suitable, or desirable. (A no-brainer right?)

The "for worse" part, just check it out:

Worse - adj. Comparative of bad. 1. Of more inferior quality, value, or condition. 2. More unfavorable, difficult, unpleasant or painful. (Doesn't sound so good does it?)

Worse can be anything, ranging from financial crises and infidelity to snoring and poor grooming habits. Say for instance that your fiance's nose makes a cute little noise when he's sleeping, the one that you think is so endearing now. Yeah, I am here to tell you, 10 years down the road at 4 AM, not so much. You will lie awake staring at the ceiling wondering how in the world you ever thought this was either cute or endearing. You may even imagine that you may have had a temporary brain tumor that impaired your judgement and logical reasoning at the time. It will be the only answer that makes any sense to you.

Opposites attract? Yes indeed. But do opposites stay together? That is the question you really need to ask yourself. For example, sloppy and neat don't mix unless for the rest of your life you want to be the only one doing the housekeeping. I liken it to the person in the parade who cleans up after the horses. You're job will be to continually pick up the mess that's left in front of you. On a daily basis you will contemplate why a grown man would leave his dirty socks and underwear on the floor, leave dishes in the sink, blow his nose in the shower, and burp and fart at the dinner table. You know the expression, "Were you raised in a barn?" It will become your mantra.

So just remember...for better AND worse.

Happy Birthday?

Birthday Party. No two words in the English language can revoke a mother's sanity card faster than these two. For some, the planning for this 2-4 hour event has gotten way out of control. Across the globe it causes beads of perspiration to break out on parents' foreheads. Don't believe me? Keep reading.

Guests. The first decision is how many guests to invite. Sounds simple enough, right? Well in regards to this matter, there is some disagreement among the experts (yes, believe it or not, there are experts out there regarding children's birthday parties). Some say the number of guests should be equal to the child's age, while others state all children from the child's class should be invited. Also will parents be staying or dropping off? Are siblings invited too? Cousins, neighbors? You certainly can't invite everyone, but you definitely don't want to leave anyone out. (Oh boy, I feel my palms getting sweaty already.)

Venue. Should you have the party at your home or should it be held at another location. If you have it at home, you are taking your chances. There is always the errant child who makes it his or her main mission to be everywhere the actual party isn't. If the party is outside, he will want to be inside. If the party is inside, he will want to be outside. And nothing is off limits to this kid, drawers, closets, cabinets, etc. So plan on spending a good portion of the party keeping tabs on this little one because inevitably he belongs to the parent who likes to drop off. (Hmm...coincidence, I think not!)

Party Games. I think this is where the pressure really sets in. This is the time when you make the self-realization that either you are interested in "keeping up with the Joneses," or you're not. Gone are the days of "pin the tail on the donkey" and musical chairs. Parents feel obligated to hire magicians. traveling zoos, pony rides, bounce houses and balloon-twisting clowns just to make their kid's party as entertaining as his or her friends. (No one fears the word "boring" more than the birthday child!)

Menu. To feed or not to feed, that is the question. Depending on the time of day the party is held will directly affect this decision. A good tip is to generally try to time the party some time after lunch, but well before dinner so that cake and beverages are all the party guests will require. However, if you decide to venture away from this time slot remember that you will need to obtain the dietary restrictions from all your guests. (If you don't, you'll be setting yourself up for a potential food allergy emergency.)

Party Favors. This directly links back to Party Games and "keeping up with the Joneses" again. It used to be that the birthday child was the only one getting the gifts, but these days nothing can "blackball" a host faster than the absence of party favors. It is expected that guests will leave with some kind of reminder from the party. (What ever happened to leaving with the memory of a good time?)

Pinatas. I just had to throw this in here. What is up with pinatas? Why on earth would a company make a pinata out of a child's beloved cartoon character? Isn't it more than a little disturbing to have a group of young children beating the heck out of Elmo or Scooby-Doo? Whack, whack, whack! "Hit it," all the little voices scream with merriment! Then the children are rewarded for the best beating by the prize of all prizes...candy. (Is it just me, or did the little hairs on your arms just stand up too?)

RSVP. Répondez s'il vous plaît - French for "please respond". As I was growing up it was proper etiquette to reply to an RSVP request whether confirming attendance or declining. Nowadays there is some confusion over the RSVP. There are some people that think no reply is necessary unless they are attending. While still others think it's the opposite, respond only if not attending. So of course, ultimately the host needs to call all the guests that did not respond to get a final head count. (Miss Manners where are you when we need you?)

This year I kept my children's birthday parties as simple as possible, and tried not to sweat the small stuff. Yet I still breathed a sigh of relief after they were over, and like every year before, vowed that this was the last one. But truthfully, I know that I (along with droves of other parents), will painstakingly plan another and another, because the joy on our kids' faces is always worth a little insanity!

Tickets and Wallet, Please

Recently there has been a lot of talk about movie going and unfortunately how expensive it is. Instead of discussing the movie, people come out of the theater discussing the overwhelming prices. A friend of mine who just recently took her children to an afternoon movie was still reeling from sticker shock days later. The movie going experience for one adult and two young children ended up costing her over $50.00!


This reminded me of an old comedy bit by Jerry Seinfeld. He made the observation that theaters keep expensive candy in glass cases just like jewelry. "What can I show you?" the clerk asks. "Something in the way of a milk dud, perhaps? And I think there was even a part where a single milk dud came out on a velvet cushion. Hilarious, Seinfeld nailed it and it's even more relevant today!


I guess to elaborate on this theme we can say that there are 3 C's in candy just as there are in diamonds. In diamonds the 3 C's are Cut, Clarity, and Color. In candy, the 3 C's are Chocolate, Calories, and Cost. Because of cost, I know moms who strategize before heading out to the movies. They grab the "movie purse," a bag the size of a piece of carry-on luggage and load it up before leaving the house. In it they can fit every item found at the concession counter with the exception of the slushy machine. Then under the cover of darkness, as the feature presentation begins, you will hear the unzipping of purses as moms stealthily distribute snacks.


What will the future of movie going hold if costs keep rising and theaters look to thwart the snack smuggling? Will they install x-ray machines like those at the airport to scan any bags being carried into the theater? "Red alert, we've got something resembling a bag of M&Ms in a red canvas tote." Will a patron be forcibly taken down for smuggling Twizzlers or concealing Goobers in his cargo shorts? That just seems wrong and disconcerting on so many levels! Let's just hope for the sake of all movie goers that it never comes to that.

A Good Haircut

A good haircut is extinct, and in my opinion has been for quite some time. You either leave with a mangled mess or you come out looking like you still need to have your hair cut! Maybe I should start examining those licenses a little more closely. You know those little slips of paper, neatly framed, tucked amongst the family photos on the stylist's station. Who among us actually reads those things? For all we know it could be written in crayon and the person cutting our hair is not even licensed. The bottom line is that there seems to be an ever prevalent communication breakdown between client and stylist. For example, last week when I went to get a hair cut, I requested that my sides be angled to which the stylist replied, "Blended?" "No, angled, " I repeated. "But blended?" she persisted. "Um, okay," I finally relented, thinking she is the professional after all. It said so right there in tangerine orange.

But this "battle of the hair" is nothing new to me. I remember getting my hair cut many years ago at a fancy salon that had just opened at the mall. Everything seemed all well and good when I arrived. I was lulled into complacency by the photos of beautiful people with perfect hair adorning the walls of the salon. However, a sense of dread did finally creep over me as I realized that as the stylist cut my hair, she kept me turned away from the mirror. I ended up with one-inch sideburns and a wall of hair (on just one side of my head), that was teased and sprayed to such heights that I have no doubt it defied the very laws of gravity. I looked like a member of the 80's band, Flock of Seagulls.

Mortified at the very thought of having to walk through the mall in order to exit to my car, I began scheming of ways to leave unnoticed. One thought was to hide in the public restroom until closing and escape through the air ducts. But, I knew with my luck (and poor sense of direction), I would get lost, my giant hair would catch on some outcrop of metal and there I would lie, trapped in an overhead maze. Thus, leaving only two possible outcomes. The first, would be my rescue resulting in a photo of me with the "hairstyle from hell" smack dab on the front page of the newspaper. Accompanying the photo would be the account from the police of how they initially thought a giant rat was attacking my head, or that I must have been stuck in there for so long that some sort of animal had built a nest in my hair. The second possibility would be that the police thought I was trying to burglarize the mall and arrest me, which would lead to having my mug shot taken, forever preserving that ridiculous looking hair on my permanent record. No way would I submit to that public humiliation! Walking through a crowd of strangers at the mall was looking better all the time.

The scent of mega-hold hairspray and waffle fries finally snapped me out of my stress-induced stupor. I decided that sometimes a situation is only as bad as you imagine it to be. After all, I could always wash it out when I got home. And on that note, many years ago, I left the salon with my held held high...very high (and slightly off-kilter).

Independence Day

While waiting to pick the kids up from soccer practice, a discussion was started the other day about traveling. Now during this discussion, there was a consensus among this particular group of women, that it must be great being a man, or more specifically a husband. To be confident in the fact that everything involved in the daily mechanics of life is taken care of for you. For instance, for most husbands, preparing for a trip means only picking out a few clothes and some essentials...done!

A woman (wife and mother), on the other hand needs to pack for herself and the children. Pack not only the essentials, but everything else in between that will help make the trip run smoothly: snacks, toys, books, iPods, DVDs, etc. Prior to the actual trip itself, the woman also handles the following: reserves the accommodations, stops the mail and newspaper delivery, does the laundry, charges the music/gaming devices, arranges for trash can removal, checks the fridge (for sneaky leftovers sure to become a gruesome science experiment within the week), pays the bills that will be due while away, arranges for pet care (note, this includes a vet appointment if the vaccinations are not up to date), cleans the house, notifies the alarm company, confirms reservations, gathers tickets/directions/maps, and reviews the packing list to ensure that all items are packed and accounted for. The latter which is of utmost importance because nothing can throw a wrench into the plan faster than "Sleepy Bear" being left behind.

Now what really makes this extraordinary is that most men complain, yes, actually complain about losing their independence once they are married! Really? Well in preparing for a trip, how I would love to just pick out a few clothes and some essentials...done! If this is considered losing one's independence then where do I sign up?

Summer Vacation

It's June, and the days of summer are upon us. Summer usually means vacation, but in this economy people are forced to cut back and stay home. Still there are the lucky few that have managed to skate around the economic crisis, or like me are just in financial denial. Yes, if truth be told, I would be first in line for a "smackdown" from Suze Orman. Vacation...Denied!

Rationally, I know I shouldn't even be considering a vacation, and I should be stashing away every last penny, but why does the little voice in my head keep whispering..."Remember, you can't take it with you?" It's like having an angel on one shoulder, which brings me back to Suze Orman, and the devil on the other. Only my devil is wearing sunglasses, a swimsuit and Manolo Blahnik sandals -silver. "By the way, nice sandals," I say to the devil. "Thanks, I won them off SJP in a poker game," says the devil. "Forget it," announces Suze. "You can't afford those or a vacation!" "C'mon, you only live once," says the devil. "Yes, but think about retirement," counters Suze. "Retirement, smirement...live in the moment," replies the devil. Oh boy, this could go on all day! And therein lies the problem, because in my mind, they both have very valid points.

Ah, well...I can't help but dream of dazzling blue waters and white sugar sand beaches. A drink in my hand, my toes in the sand, and my kids frolicking in the surf. Lucky for me, dreams are free since that's all I can afford.

In addition to dreaming, here's just a few suggestions of things to do over the summer that are low-cost or even FREE!

1. Hit the park, beach or local lake - grab the family or friends and make a day of it.

2. Go to the library - During the summer many libraries offer free activities, reading programs, and classes for all ages.

3. Try biking or hiking - Most areas have local trails or greenbelts.

4. Go camping - The U.S. Department of the Interior announced that it will waive fees on three summer weekends. www.nps.gov/findapark/feefreeparks.htm

5. Backyard BBQ - Have each guest bring a food/beverage item to lower your cost.

6. Attend local concerts and events in your community - Check your local paper or city's website for information.

7. Visit a planetarium or museum - Many offer free admission days.

8. Catch a Movie - Some theaters offer free summer movies for kids.

9. Sports - Baseball, how about a minor league game?

10. Start your own blog - It's an adventure all in it's own!

Soul Mates - Fact or Fiction?

First, for those who do not recognize the acronym MNO, let me explain - it stands for Mom's Night Out. It's when a group of moms get together once a month for dinner, drinks, and a chance to blow off steam. On one particular MNO, some time after appetizers, but before dinner arrived, one women asked the question, "Is everyone here married to her soul mate?" Wow! What a loaded question. What's next, another round of drinks and let's all swap bra sizes? I mean really, who is going to answer that question truthfully? The one about soul mates anyway, okay, maybe the bra size too. I'm betting over 50% of the women there were thinking, "No way, not me" but they are not going to say it, not out loud anyway.

So it brings me to the real heart of the matter...is there really such a thing as a soul mate? Does everyone have one? I looked across the table and presented the question, "What if yours is married to someone else?" "Well," one mom points out, "then that person is not your TRUE soul mate!" Huh? Are there different levels of soul mates? This is getting a bit convoluted, but for the sake of argument, okay...so what if your TRUE soul mate lives in a different country, or worse yet is dead? Do we get just one? Is there a quota on soul mates? Did someone in the cosmic order of things get in line twice and take more than his/her fair share, thus leaving someone else with none? This would actually explain a lot! It would explain why there are some incredible people out there without a partner or stuck in an unhappy relationship.

I could sense from how quiet the group got, and the cautious sideways glances some of the moms were giving others over the top of their wine glasses, that they were speculating on just who may have taken more than her fair share. At this point, I'm thinking that maybe swapping bra sizes wasn't such a bad idea after all.