The Ugly Truth About Women's Restrooms

Why are women’s public restrooms in such awful condition? I know I am not the first, nor will I be the last woman to have this rant, but now that I have a young daughter the subject has loomed larger than ever. It’s perplexing to me because most of the women I know are always cleaning. They clean their homes, they clean up after themselves, they clean up after their husbands, and they clean up after their kids. So what exactly is causing this phenomenon in the women’s restroom? The lack of cleanliness can be appalling.

For this reason, ever since my daughter was potty trained I began to teach her a few basic restroom rules. My daughter by the way has no problem speaking her mind. She will exit a public restroom with a look of disdain and loudly announce that it was the worst, most disgusting bathroom she has ever been in. I don’t find it the least bit embarrassing because unfortunately it’s the ugly truth.

Rule #1 - At a crowded venue never wait (in other words hold it in), until the last minute. You’ll regret it if you do. The lines are always long and the number of stalls limited.After a concert, waiting for what seemed like an eternity, in a line that snaked around the building I finally made it into the actual restroom itself. As I stood waiting I listened for the cues that would signal my turn…a flush, the sound of a latch being drawn back, and then I saw it. A door ajar at the end of the row. It was like a lighthouse with its powerful beacon of light welcoming me. I raced in and that's when I discovered that the lock didn’t work and the door hung slightly off its hinges. My shoes squish and I look down to find the floor covered with water. ICK! At this point I can’t go back out. I’ve already lost my place in line. “Okay,” I tell myself. I can do this. Surely I have enough gumption to handle one bathroom door. So with one arm outstretched I held the door closed, single-handedly unzipped my pants, and reached for the paper. UGH! The paper. I forgot to check the paper! This brings me to rule number two.

Rule #2 – Always check the toilet paper dispenser before committing yourself to a stall. If there is no paper, and you have not closed the stall door you receive an automatic stay in line.Luckily, the fates were shining down upon me that day and there was paper. I don't think I could have been more happy than if I had just won the lottery! Still balancing with my hand on the door I pulled the paper. Tear, rip, tear, rip!!! Is this some sort of sick joke? Why is the toilet paper being rationed??? Who am I, Barbie? I don’t know about the rest of the women out there, but I need at least a few human-sized sheets. Mental note, whoever installs the toilet paper dispensers should be flogged!

Rule #3 – Using the toilet. For this rule there are a few options, a) Learn the art of “hovering.” b) If available use a liner, or c) -Wrap the entire seat in toilet paper (see Rule #2).Back when I worked in the corporate world there was a situation where signs had to be placed on the inside of the stall doors in the women’s restroom. The signs were all the same. “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.” Really? Did grown women, mostly business executives really need this reminder? Not to mention one in nursery rhyme form. I still shake my head in utter disbelief. How exactly does one sprinkle on the seat anyway? Perhaps it's poor thigh muscles or weak knees resulting in a wobbly squat? Maybe this is one question for the TMI (Too Much Information) file. But some women fancied themselves spies of sorts, and went as far as to pretend to be reapplying lipstick so that they could peek into the vacated stall once a person had exited the restroom. Despite these women’s best 007 efforts “the sprinkler” remained a restroom mystery.

So my daughter is petite, she can’t hover yet. From my purse I unfold a paper liner and place it on the seat for her. However, there is one small section not covered and that is exactly where she places her hand to balance herself. “Nooooo,” I yell as if I have just been pitched off a cliff or flung from a rooftop. “Don’t touch the toilet!” “Okay, Mommy,” she says smiling up at me. Oh what’s a poor germaphobe mother to do?

Rule #4 – Never use your hand to flush the toilet. Always maneuver your foot to push the handle.Yes, I tell my daughter, if there is one cardinal rule to remember when using a public restroom it is don’t touch ANYTHING with your HANDS. I teach her how to flush with her foot.Some bathrooms even have toilets that flush automatically, which is a great invention - if the sensors would just work properly. Unfortunately, they all seem to be set on aggressive flushing. I will hear a flush followed by my daughter’s shriek from inside the stall. “What is wrong with this toilet?” she demands. “Why is it flushing before I’m even finished?” I can’t help but giggle. “I don’t know honey,” I reply. Another unsolved restroom mystery.

Rule #5 – Always wash your hands, but before you do, wipe down the counter.What’s with all the water left all over the counters? Are women bathing in the sinks? Washing their delicates? I will never understand why there’s so much water OUT of the sink. My daughter leans in to wash her hands. “Be careful,” I warn her. “Or you’ll get your shirt wet.”Just like some toilets have automatic sensors, so do some sinks. Only sinks seem to have the opposite problem - their sensors are too passive. You have to practice a few karate hand flicks or pretend to be a magician waving a rabbit out of a hat to get the water to turn on. Wave, splash, wave, splash! I have a sneaky suspicion that the sink sensors are installed by the same person who installs the toilet paper.

Rule #6 – After drying your hands, throw the paper in the trash can.C’mon ladies I know we can all do this. It doesn’t take any great feat of athleticism to get a balled piece of paper towel into the trash can. And for the eco-conscious you can totally bypass the paper towels and use the hand dryers. Our local theater had one installed that is unlike any other I have ever used. I truly believe it is equipped with a jet engine. I think the force of the air blowing out of this thing is at least 4 gs (think Top Gun)! It makes the skin on my hand look like liquid, rippling like the waves on a stormy sea. I swear, one day I'm going to stick my face under it just to see how I'll look with a face lift.

Ah, but just like toilet paper, paper towels run out too and there is no hand dryer in sight. I stand and spin the little wheel on the side of the dispenser and nothing emerges. I peer up into the dispenser, my brain not willing to believe that it's empty. Maybe if I just look long enough a sheet of paper will appear. Why not I think? After all I can make water appear like magic. A second or two passes and I review my options. Try to get back in a stall for some toilet paper which just ends up sticking in tiny little pieces all over my hand, flap my hands around like a wounded duck, or (I hope my mother isn't reading this), wipe my hands on my pants.

Rule #7 – When exiting the restroom do not use your hands to push the door open.Remember the cardinal rule? Never touch anything in the restroom with your hands! This includes the door and is especially important now that you have just washed your hands. So using an elbow, forearm, or shoulder you open the door to leave. Inevitably, the man in your life is waiting outside looking impatient. “What took you so long?” he asks. ARGH!

Posted on Skirt.com, August 31, 2009