News...

Hi Everyone -

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm now an official blogger (Skirt!setter) over at http://www.skirt.com/. Hope to catch up with you there!

You can also check out my published stories at http://www.more.com/. Happy Reading! :)

A Shoe by Any Other Name

Every so often (actually more times than not), I wake up at 4AM. Now for me, this is too early to begin my day, so I lie in my bed staring up at the ceiling and my over active brain takes over. This morning I silently mused about writing a letter to Oprah Winfrey. Not for any particular reason, maybe just the chance she would actually read it, get an “Aha” moment and realize she had just found the next great writer. So in my head I began to compose the letter. Dear Oprah…no, no, too familiar. Dear Ms. Winfrey, you are my biggest fan, er, I mean I am YOUR biggest fan. Oh boy, this is where I remember that in my past I was afflicted with starstruckitis. The symptoms of starstruckitis can cause a person to act uncharacteristically silly, exhibiting physical symptoms such as the temporary loss of speech, persistent giggling, and even fainting (such as experienced by fans of both Elvis and the Beatles).

It all started in my 20’s when a friend and I were invited to the filming of a Miami Vice episode. Just a normal day strolling around downtown Miami with the exception of a TV cast and crew blocking off a section of town. Then it happened, I had an out-of-body experience. As we peered under the stars’ trailer from one side to the other, I saw Don Johnson’s sockless, loafer ensconced feet descend down the steps and hit the pavement. An unknown force, unlike anything I had ever experienced gripped me. I let out a squeal, an unearthly sound that was followed by a fit of laughter verging on maniacal. My poor friend could only stand there dumbfounded, staring at me with her mouth agape. “Don Johnson, Don Johnson,” I chanted over and over. It was like I suddenly needed an exorcism.

Luckily, my friend did not abandon me out of utter embarrassment, and she shook me by the shoulders until I snapped out of it. “What happened?” I asked feebly. “You thought you saw Don Johnson’s shoes” she replied. “His shoes? Huh, wait. What do you mean thought?” “Well, it’s debatable, but it may have been his stunt double.” “What?” I said indignantly. “A stunt double?” “What a rip-off!” My friend only laughed and said I should just be glad that I didn’t get us kicked off the set. "Hmmm," I murmured, squinting through my sunglasses. “Alien abduction,” I announced. “What?” asked my friend. “Alien abduction. That’s what must have happened.” “Sure, you stick with that” she chuckled.

I believe my friend was just teasing me, and that it was indeed Don Johnson. I mean wasn’t it humiliating enough that I had a, um…let’s say overly exuberant outburst over just seeing Don Johnson’s feet, then to only have it be his double’s? Thankfully that was the first and last time I ever displayed such behavior, and I hear that once you have a case of starstruckitis you build up immunity. However I remain vigilant because I know if I am ever in the same room as Hugh Jackman, all bets are off!

Now back to that letter...

Where Have All the Shorts Gone?

The other day the zipper broke on a pair of my shorts. I am by no means any measure of a seamstress (one thing my mom and I do have in common), so I headed to the store to purchase a new pair. First I hit Old Navy, which I like to call my Old Standby because I've bought shorts there before, they're true to size and I never have to spend time trying them on. Unfortunately there were no shorts anywhere to be found. Next Target - no shorts. Then on to Kohl's, Marshalls, Ross and Belks. No shorts!!! Hello, I live in the south, it's mid-August, sunny and hot with temperatures averaging high 80's to low 90's. In other words...shorts weather! Where have all the shorts gone?

Now if I want to pick out a pair of corduroy pants or a nice turtleneck sweater there are plenty of choices. But, call me crazy I don't want to dress like "Nanook of the North" in the middle of the sweltering days of summer. "Where are the shorts?" I asked one of the store clerks. "Not here," she replied. "They're out of season." "Out of season," I stammered. "But it's still summer!" The clerk only responded with a disinterested shrug and a withering look that silently conveyed that obviously I was completely unsavvy when it came to the world of fashion.

I know the first day back to school seems to arrive earlier and earlier but do the seasons arrive earlier now too? Is this an affect of global warming? Now that the new school year is underway, I'm sure all the "Back-to-School" supplies are already being replaced with Halloween items. And probably in late October, as I head in to pick up an extra bag of trick-or-treat candy I'll hear Christmas music playing overhead. Matter of fact, if I recall correctly, I think last year the stores did completely bypass Thanksgiving altogether. Guess there's not much revenue to be had in honeycomb paper turkeys.

Well, all I have to say is that I just hope all the little ghosts and goblins who stop by my house on Halloween enjoy the chocolate Santas.

Holy Mother of Matrimony

Listen up ladies, you know who you are! The ones with the sparkly rock on your finger (and those of you dreaming of one). Here is the Girlfriends Guide to Marriage. I am here to share a few secrets that your family in the throes of congratulatory euphoria may not have bestowed upon you yet.

First, remember you are going to have to treat those marriage vows like the verbal contract that they are. And, as with any contract, there is always the fine print. I am specifically referring to the "for better or worse" clause. Oh yes, say it with me...for better or worse (don't think if you write your own vows that you are released from this clause. It is still implied.). Also, don't be fooled by the "or" because this almost implies that you have a choice in the matter. You don't. I think it would be more accurate to say "for better AND worse." After all, it is "in sickness and health, right?

The "for better" part, well here it is:

Better - adj. Comparative of good. 1. Greater in excellence or higher in quality. 2. More useful, suitable, or desirable. (A no-brainer right?)

The "for worse" part, just check it out:

Worse - adj. Comparative of bad. 1. Of more inferior quality, value, or condition. 2. More unfavorable, difficult, unpleasant or painful. (Doesn't sound so good does it?)

Worse can be anything, ranging from financial crises and infidelity to snoring and poor grooming habits. Say for instance that your fiance's nose makes a cute little noise when he's sleeping, the one that you think is so endearing now. Yeah, I am here to tell you, 10 years down the road at 4 AM, not so much. You will lie awake staring at the ceiling wondering how in the world you ever thought this was either cute or endearing. You may even imagine that you may have had a temporary brain tumor that impaired your judgement and logical reasoning at the time. It will be the only answer that makes any sense to you.

Opposites attract? Yes indeed. But do opposites stay together? That is the question you really need to ask yourself. For example, sloppy and neat don't mix unless for the rest of your life you want to be the only one doing the housekeeping. I liken it to the person in the parade who cleans up after the horses. You're job will be to continually pick up the mess that's left in front of you. On a daily basis you will contemplate why a grown man would leave his dirty socks and underwear on the floor, leave dishes in the sink, blow his nose in the shower, and burp and fart at the dinner table. You know the expression, "Were you raised in a barn?" It will become your mantra.

So just remember...for better AND worse.