Where Have All the Shorts Gone?

The other day the zipper broke on a pair of my shorts. I am by no means any measure of a seamstress (one thing my mom and I do have in common), so I headed to the store to purchase a new pair. First I hit Old Navy, which I like to call my Old Standby because I've bought shorts there before, they're true to size and I never have to spend time trying them on. Unfortunately there were no shorts anywhere to be found. Next Target - no shorts. Then on to Kohl's, Marshalls, Ross and Belks. No shorts!!! Hello, I live in the south, it's mid-August, sunny and hot with temperatures averaging high 80's to low 90's. In other words...shorts weather! Where have all the shorts gone?

Now if I want to pick out a pair of corduroy pants or a nice turtleneck sweater there are plenty of choices. But, call me crazy I don't want to dress like "Nanook of the North" in the middle of the sweltering days of summer. "Where are the shorts?" I asked one of the store clerks. "Not here," she replied. "They're out of season." "Out of season," I stammered. "But it's still summer!" The clerk only responded with a disinterested shrug and a withering look that silently conveyed that obviously I was completely unsavvy when it came to the world of fashion.

I know the first day back to school seems to arrive earlier and earlier but do the seasons arrive earlier now too? Is this an affect of global warming? Now that the new school year is underway, I'm sure all the "Back-to-School" supplies are already being replaced with Halloween items. And probably in late October, as I head in to pick up an extra bag of trick-or-treat candy I'll hear Christmas music playing overhead. Matter of fact, if I recall correctly, I think last year the stores did completely bypass Thanksgiving altogether. Guess there's not much revenue to be had in honeycomb paper turkeys.

Well, all I have to say is that I just hope all the little ghosts and goblins who stop by my house on Halloween enjoy the chocolate Santas.

Holy Mother of Matrimony

Listen up ladies, you know who you are! The ones with the sparkly rock on your finger (and those of you dreaming of one). Here is the Girlfriends Guide to Marriage. I am here to share a few secrets that your family in the throes of congratulatory euphoria may not have bestowed upon you yet.

First, remember you are going to have to treat those marriage vows like the verbal contract that they are. And, as with any contract, there is always the fine print. I am specifically referring to the "for better or worse" clause. Oh yes, say it with me...for better or worse (don't think if you write your own vows that you are released from this clause. It is still implied.). Also, don't be fooled by the "or" because this almost implies that you have a choice in the matter. You don't. I think it would be more accurate to say "for better AND worse." After all, it is "in sickness and health, right?

The "for better" part, well here it is:

Better - adj. Comparative of good. 1. Greater in excellence or higher in quality. 2. More useful, suitable, or desirable. (A no-brainer right?)

The "for worse" part, just check it out:

Worse - adj. Comparative of bad. 1. Of more inferior quality, value, or condition. 2. More unfavorable, difficult, unpleasant or painful. (Doesn't sound so good does it?)

Worse can be anything, ranging from financial crises and infidelity to snoring and poor grooming habits. Say for instance that your fiance's nose makes a cute little noise when he's sleeping, the one that you think is so endearing now. Yeah, I am here to tell you, 10 years down the road at 4 AM, not so much. You will lie awake staring at the ceiling wondering how in the world you ever thought this was either cute or endearing. You may even imagine that you may have had a temporary brain tumor that impaired your judgement and logical reasoning at the time. It will be the only answer that makes any sense to you.

Opposites attract? Yes indeed. But do opposites stay together? That is the question you really need to ask yourself. For example, sloppy and neat don't mix unless for the rest of your life you want to be the only one doing the housekeeping. I liken it to the person in the parade who cleans up after the horses. You're job will be to continually pick up the mess that's left in front of you. On a daily basis you will contemplate why a grown man would leave his dirty socks and underwear on the floor, leave dishes in the sink, blow his nose in the shower, and burp and fart at the dinner table. You know the expression, "Were you raised in a barn?" It will become your mantra.

So just remember...for better AND worse.